Acceptance

Today’s word of the day? Acceptance. It’s something I’m trying to teach myself to be better at – and not exactly succeeding.

What do I mean? Well. There have been a few instances recently where I’ve accepted something in the moment rather than resisting or fighting against it, and I’ve felt all the better for it – and I want to reflect more on why those moments went the way they did, and what I can learn from them. And there are also many examples where I haven’t accepted something, and I look back afterwards and I kick myself for it, or I make myself miserable by actively fighting against something that ultimately is out of my control. So here are just a few of the things I need to accept.

Accept… that schedules are not set in stone. I live and die by my planner. I use the Passion Planner, and every Monday I get to work a little early so I can plot out my whole week, including my work commitments, my meetings, any social engagements, and all of my workouts. It’s a soothing process and I feel ready to tackle my week once it’s done. Nothing irritates me more than when my schedule changes and suddenly my neat, color-coordinated, perfectly structured planner is all thrown off. But here’s the thing: the paper doesn’t matter; my mental and physical health does. Monday night, my planner had 90 minutes blocked off to lift and get in some cardio, but when I got in my car, I immediately knew that there was no way I’d be able to motivate myself through a solo gym workout. I had nothing left in my tank. Rather than forcing myself to try to slog through it and ending up with a sloppy, half-assed workout, and instead of just giving up on the day entirely and heading home, I pulled up the SP schedule and grabbed a spot in the SPiit class that started in an hour, and I felt all the better for it. I pushed the lifting session out to Wednesday, and even though my planner looks terrible, I accepted what my body was telling me and I found a compromise that worked.

Accept… that I cannot control how my body responds to the work I’m putting in. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been feeling REALLY frustrated lately. The scale has. not. moved. in months – literally months, hovering in the same range of 3 pounds – and I’m starting to lose my mind. I full on cried in my office today after I sent Janie my check in for the week, because I’m just feeling so completely down on myself at the moment. I’m eating right 85% of the time, I’m sticking to my workout routines, I can feel myself getting stronger, but my weight won’t move. And that’s driving me crazy. I hate weighing myself and I’ve started to dread my check ins with Janie, because I know that the scale isn’t going to show what I want it to, and I’m frustrated. I’m trying really hard not to let it get to me, but it’s a daily battle. I have to trust in the process and trust that continuing to make the right choices, and continuing to push myself in the gym and get in all of my workouts, will eventually translate to the numbers changing. But it’s hard. And it’s going to take me a long time to get there.

Accept… that people are sincere in their compliments. This is sort of a continuation of the last point. I have serious body dysmorphia issues. I have a really hard time looking at myself in the mirror and seeing the changes that are taking place as a result of all my training. I can’t see it in myself, so my immediate inclination is to shrug people off when they comment on the changes they’re seeing in me. My first instinct is to brush off their compliments, or to immediately respond in protest (“But my ass is still huge!” “But I’m not losing any weight!” “But I can’t find pants that fit me right now!”) I need to learn to be more gracious when people comment on my progress. I need to trust that they really are noticing changes in me, and thank them for their kindness. I need to accept the compliment with grace, and then I need to help myself get to a point where I genuinely do believe them.

It’s a good sign that I know these are all things I need to work on. Rationally, logically, I can reason through all of this. But saying this (or writing about it, as the case may be) and actually living my truth are two different things. It’s a constant battle. It’s hard and it’s frustrating, but I’m working on it. I’m a work in progress and I think maybe I always will be.

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