Jagged Little Pill

Remember that weight management clinic I mentioned in the last post? I had the mandatory orientation meeting tonight. I was sorely tempted to bail on the whole thing – the WOD tonight at crossfit looked great (rowing! deadlifts! my favorite things!) and I would have much rather been there, but I felt like I had to give the whole thing a fair shot.


I walked in and the coordinator handed me a piece of paper. It was a flyer listing all of the possible pharmaceutical treatments to aid weight loss. I took a seat at the table; each place had an array of flyers on it, including weight loss surgery options and a brochure for a medical shakes/prepared food program that restricted calories to 800-1000 calories a day (medically sanctioned Jenny Craig, basically). I immediately felt uncomfortable and knew this was not going to be the place for me.

The program offers two options – 1:1 meetings with a physician (but be ready to wait 2 months for an appointment) or a group meeting (you can get in by next week!). The coordinator went into the group meetings in detail, and it sounded basically like the doctor reviewed your record ahead of time, then went around the room and handed out prescriptions based on your background. What? How is this safe or appropriate?

We then went over the medications in great detail, which entailed the coordinator trying to downplay various side effects while also talking through all the ways to afford the medications if your insurance wouldn’t cover them. I think my favorite part was when she described the black box warning on one drug by saying “It caused thyroid cancer in rats when they gave the rats 10-12 times the normal dose, but there hasn’t been any instances of cancer in humans yet, so it’s probably fine.” Great. Thanks. Where do I sign up?

I felt dirty leaving that room. I made an appointment – for October, mind you – to meet with the physician one on one, but I think I’m going to end up canceling it. If I do follow through, it would be just to get a referral to have my resting metabolic rate assessed, more out of curiosity than anything else. I definitely don’t want anything to do with the pills or the surgery – that’s not for me.

I left that appointment and directed my car to Soul Cycle. I hopped into a 7:30pm ride with a new-to-me instructor (picked solely because he was the most physically appealing option out of the available 7:30 instructors – so what if I like a little eye candy with my workouts?!). Johnny turned out to be amazing and exactly what I needed tonight. The playlist felt like it was pulled straight from my brain – opening with Holidae In set the tone for the ride for sure, but it was right around the Linkin Park “In The End” remix that I finally got my brain to shut down and gave in to the ride. Add in the new Chainsmokers feat. Halsey song, Closer, and my current favorite mashup to come down off of arms – seriously, just give it a listen – and basically I was LIVING for those full 45 minutes.

Also? Don’t take Soul Cycle the day after Crossfit decided to work your abs. Just trust me on this.

Anyway, I have a new favorite SC instructor (on this coast, at least) and I left that studio feeling wrung out and cleansed. Walking back to my car, I couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, I’m being too hard on myself. Bodies are weird, frustrating, stupid things at times – but they’re also pretty goddamn amazing. My body let me push it right up to the edge of my abilities on that bike tonight (standing runs, we’ll get there. Jumps, I SEE YOU, and I’m getting there. Wait for it.) It let me push it through 90 wall balls… and 90 sit ups… and 90 burpees… and 800m of running… all in less than 30 minutes last night (26:29, to be exact, but who’s counting?) and every time I pick up a barbell I feel a little more confident about grabbing a heavier set of plates.

I need to stop being so hard on myself and remember to take these moments to reflect on where I am today versus where I was a year ago, and to be appreciative for all that I’m able to do each and every day. The physical change will come with time, and in the meantime, the mental growth will be enough.


3 thoughts on “Jagged Little Pill

  1. You work hard and you make it fun! Hell, it makes me want to work just as hard, because you are having a ball!

    Bodies come in all shapes and sizes, and the older I get, the more accepting I become of that in regards to myself. I’ll never have a thigh gap and I’m okay with that. I’ll also never walk around in my underwear with angel wings on (that’s a lie, enough champagne mimosas and I might consider that!).
    You look amazing right now and you crush the WODs my friend! You are consistent and give everything, trust me, I see how hard you work; don’t ever think that what you are capable of isn’t enough.
    If you need to get out of your head, I would be happy to practice my yin yoga magic or vinyasa magic 🕉✨


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